Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
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Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off