Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
You Might Also Like
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
There’s only one good girl here!
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I’d use my best pan on you.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.