Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.

Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.

Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.

Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”

Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”

John Denver: Almost heaven-

Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing

John Denver: -West Virginia

Me: Ok

i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses

At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.

The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos

Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.

RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?

Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

spicy snake

Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?

Me: Well, I couldn’t find-

W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.

Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today

You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?

It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”

hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress

it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th

Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around

Me: I promise you I do not

Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?

God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.

Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.

Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.

Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.