Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
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My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
👾👾👾
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
BEETROOT
Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with meBeetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea#NationalPoetryDay
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.