Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
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Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant