Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
You Might Also Like
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting