Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard

Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.

10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time

1.

I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.

So creative 😂

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

[plays harmonica] is this kissing?

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.

Me: I’m braver than any marine.

Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?

Me: Any, uh, marine animal.

Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?

If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.

If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?

you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life

an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet

Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”

Cellmate : “Them what happened “??

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

Nothing to do, you say?

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

Academic paper protip:

end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”

I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.

A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.