Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
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It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
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sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
On the night before Christmas, I was taking a walk,
Avoiding my girlfriend, who “needed to talk.”
When what on my new hat did appear,
But a sprinkling of poo from eight flying reindeer!
The old sleigh driver flew on so quick,
I shook my fist and yelled, “You stupid prick!”
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?