*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
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Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.