Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
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4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!