Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!

HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.

You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”

[during sex]

Can you pass the mashed potatoes?

Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.

In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.

My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”

ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”

and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before

Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.

We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa

*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

“Oh no! My research!!”

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout

[literally every petting zoo]

Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?

Me: [shrugs] I guess

Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.

You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.

Hmmmmm

imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day

You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse

become ungovernable

My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!

Me: That’s a pretty good trade…

Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?

Me: Yes, socks

Toddler: No!!

Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.

I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels