[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
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Couldn’t remember the girl’s name from last night so I brought her to Starbucks.
“What has 8 arms, is ominous looking and ink is its weapon of choice?”
“No Jeff, the answer is my wife’s 4 divorce attorneys”
Told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on too high
she looked surprised.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’