@sageboggs

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

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@gamejoiadvance

Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them

@copymama

[My 8yo looking for something]

OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.

@jazmasta

[loudly so dad who’s been depressed since mom left can hear]
Oh no, my GPS broke! If only I had some good DRIVING DIRECTIONS
*dad looks up*

@JKickinit30

*touches your nose*
*touches your mouth*
*touches your forehead*

Them: Why are you touching me?

Me: Gotta be a mute button somewhere

@tweetsbyrocket

sirius black: im innocent

judge: i don’t believe you

sirius: give me truth serum

judge: for some reason no

@TheAlexNevil

How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?

@USMCSDI

Great… I tried to kill a spider with glitter body spray and it didn’t work

Now I have a spider that won’t stop dancing and insists I call her cinnamon

@SomthinBoutSara

You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!

@sliver_of

*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*