Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
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[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
[loudly so dad who’s been depressed since mom left can hear]
Oh no, my GPS broke! If only I had some good DRIVING DIRECTIONS
*dad looks up*
*touches your nose*
*touches your mouth*
*touches your forehead*
Them: Why are you touching me?
Me: Gotta be a mute button somewhere
sirius black: im innocent
judge: i don’t believe you
sirius: give me truth serum
judge: for some reason no
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I’m not an alcoholic. I’m soberphobic.
Great… I tried to kill a spider with glitter body spray and it didn’t work
Now I have a spider that won’t stop dancing and insists I call her cinnamon
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*