Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

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[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*


Couldn’t remember the girl’s name from last night so I brought her to Starbucks.


“What has 8 arms, is ominous looking and ink is its weapon of choice?”
“An octopus?”
“No Jeff, the answer is my wife’s 4 divorce attorneys”


Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student


FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.


like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’