@sageboggs

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

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@SaltyCorpse

“I like your face” sounds less creepy in your head than it does outloud.

@curlycomedy

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

@KentWGraham

ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.

WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.

@tombrodude

tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home

@ImLeslieChow

When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s cute. I just find it strange how many people have knives on a date.

@BobGolen

I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.

@Kateness8

what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy

@carlyken

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced