Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

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“I like your face” sounds less creepy in your head than it does outloud.


Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?


ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.

WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.


tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home


When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s cute. I just find it strange how many people have knives on a date.


I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.


what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy


“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced