Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
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Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”