Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
You Might Also Like
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.