Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
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Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Love is in the air fryer.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.