Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
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Well, that should do it
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.