Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
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Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”