Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
You Might Also Like
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.