Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
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“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Every work call, he judges.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
I might carry a baby with one hand.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?