Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
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I wanna be friends with this person
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
May have had one breakfast too many
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Confused owl: What?!
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
