Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
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[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
2022 be like
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.