my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
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In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Do one person every day that scares you.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no