just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
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Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.