@peteholmes

just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.

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@RiotGrlErin

A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.

@stockejock

Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.

@BruceForce

Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?

Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.

@LizHackett

How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”

@ItsDanSheehan

How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?

@zachreinert03

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no

@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

@El_nacho_Nigre

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

@skittle624

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.