just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
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*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
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I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
You’ll be OK
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
accurate
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Baking is just science you can eat.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.