A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
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Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
ISIS, meet ebola. Ebola, meet ISIS. Problem solved.