Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence

Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

The word Ohio looks like a tractor

Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor

Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”

-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…

Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day

Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?

I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.

Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”

Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.

S:
D:

S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.

S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?

S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?

S: MOM! Come get your husband.

If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.

7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?

Me: Dad.

7: Then how come you look older?

Me: Santa’s not real.

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?

Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?

*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*

“Not again.”

why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other

I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear

I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.

I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”

I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.