Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*

There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.

The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.

My rap name is When i$ Lunch

Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD

Schrödinger’s cookie

why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free

[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world

If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.

[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.

How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.

Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.

Wife:

I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework

New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.

Me: want some advice?

New dad: please!

Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.

New dad: okay.

Me: step 2 drink it all.

Vulcans are space-elves.

Look at the ears.

[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t

I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.

“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.

A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed

[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.