Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
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Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”