Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes

quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows

quarantine day 7: tequila

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.

I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes

*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear

I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again

I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one

What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

#polloftheday

Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.

contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment

super villain: no

contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming

Me as a therapist: omg same

Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.

I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”

I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.

I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.

it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut

It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking

6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher

Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?

6: Chick-fil-A

I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding

Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.

Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.

Top 5 forms of torture

5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro