Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
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I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Oops 🤭
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
i now pronounce you bounced.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.