Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!

Someone call 911!

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.

You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

Q: “How long were you at your last job?”

A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”

in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape

Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.

doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…

Now, where’s the sport in that?

Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.

That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.

Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.

A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*

HAHAHA

*runs away giggling*

*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*

“You should floss more”

People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?

skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute

me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

Man: Is there a doctor in the house?

Dr: I have a PHD in literature

Man: This man is having a heart attack!

Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…

Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon