Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
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In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
yeah not falling for this one
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…