Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
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horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty