Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
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Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.