Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
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People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame