Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shark tank]

“Hi, what’s your product idea?”

Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake

Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.

Them: well which is it?

Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.

SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men

HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool

SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth

HOBBITS: WOW

Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it

There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.

it’s time for some pepper spray

-me, in a crowded elevator

I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”

Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.

Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER

Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.

Comparing yourself to others

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

grocery bagger: paper or plastic?

me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.

pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

I’m in your fridge late at night like this!

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

[tinder date]

me: oh wow this is awkward

sunset: *just kinda sets there*

me: but i thought you were, you know

sunset: *still setting*

me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh

sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*

Instagram: look how pretty everything is

Facebook: look how easy everything is

Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest

Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is

Is anyone gonna tell them?

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB