Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
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ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
My five year plan is a meteorite
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Raisins are grape jerky.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?