Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
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A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?