Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.

With a text.

Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*

Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?

The British Museum will take anything but jokes.

BOSS: how was your weekend?

ME: oh man i got so high

BOSS: it’s against company policy-

ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon

BOSS: oh, haha well then-

ME: then the edibles kicked in

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…

I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon

Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets

Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT

The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.

Like a good neighbor

State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.

I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”

Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.

[after an argument]

me: *scribbling on a paper*

him: what’s that? what are you writing?

me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.

Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know

-my toddler, at bedtime