Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
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Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.