Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
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imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.