Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’

why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta

ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.

GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired

Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.

*pulls up pants

[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.

Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.

Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.

Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror

TWEET CALL

Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️

What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it

me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day

them: is it for an advent calendar

me: no

Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.

If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.

How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?

There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.

Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.

Maine is beautiful and calm.

Stephen King: Hold my balloon.

My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.

[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.

Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.

Much easier and safer

Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.

I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists