Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

Dear Kelloggs,

Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.

Sincerely,
Tired parents

People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.

As a kid I was worried about randomly disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle forever.

As an adult I’m wondering how I can actually make that happen.

Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

[In the White House war room]

Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”

God gives his toughest battles to his bravest soldiers (I am comfortable in bed and left my water on the dresser)

Me after 1 airport cocktail:

‘Your place or mine?’

Is the sexiest response to the question:

‘Where shall we bury the body?’

wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*

Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before

If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.

Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅

“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”

[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share

My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.

*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*

Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered

Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess

Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.

We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.

Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.

6 month old baby: ……..