Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.

My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”

After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.

just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me

[on phone with quit smoking coach]

coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills

me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1

coach: that’s great! what is it?

me: being awake

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude

u spoke cat all this time??????

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]

“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”

And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎

If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.

Me: *falls down entire staircase*

(20 full seconds of silence)

Dad: …careful.

Maine is beautiful and calm.

Stephen King: Hold my balloon.

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons

Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*

The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon

fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”

home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons

Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo

I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂

January has been Januweary