Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’

Neo-natal nurse: awww

Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?

Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not

No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.

Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes

Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something

Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all

the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”

My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream

It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death

2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.

Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!

The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.

Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]

Me: Oh. You’re staying?

Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket

mechanics be like

I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”

I wanna be friends with this person

When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver

It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”

When you have to use a public restroom.

Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight

Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.

the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope

I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it