Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*

my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone

Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same

was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo

You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.

No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.

Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.

Friend: *sets up chess board*

Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*

*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*

3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.

Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.

My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

Leia: This is romantic

Han: I know

Chewie: Rwwar

Leia: Does he have to be here?

Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead

Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.

ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.

I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?

Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.

Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?

me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”

My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.

She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.

Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.

My grandma is fierce.

Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh