Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
You Might Also Like
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
What an awful time to have common sense.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick