Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”

Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK

ME: How are you?

“I can’t complain”

ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough

Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please

pet shop: please stop calling us

Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people

Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.

A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”

I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

genie: you have three wishes

me: i want 1000 ants to protect me

genie: you got it

me: psychic ants

genie: uh ok

me: make them as big as a blue whale

genie: dude what’s wrong with you

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work

I’d use my best pan on you.

I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.

Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”

ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:

My Kids: Close enough

*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home

Her: come over

Me: are your parents home?

Her: no 😉

Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!

When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.

Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?

9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.

My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.

[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni

Me: What’s your favorite fruit?

Son #2: Tacos.

Me: No, I said fruit.

S2: You have my answer.

My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.