Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
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“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
when mom throws a party…
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms