Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”

[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?

それは草

I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.

ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!

ROBOT: [flies out of window]

ME: Why did I add a propeller

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager

FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…

Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.

detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding

me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where

Punctuation Matters. Period.

If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.

Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it

Me: when is your birthday

Her: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

me: righty tighty lefty loosey

frankenstein: stop

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*

The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it

My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.

Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

hardest line in real life

Me: oh no please stop stabbing me

Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this