Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: make me irresistible to women

genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha

me: *raises hind leg over lamp*

genie: wait no stop

If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist

Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart

Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck

In their other hand

[First day waiting tables]

Customer: do you have wings?

Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

Active voice: “I love your article”

Passive voice: “Your article is loved”

Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

Kids: We’re hungry!

Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.

The thing:

It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

Me: I’m going to be late.

Boss, over the phone: What happened?!

Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.

I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.

Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

Mornin. * use accordingly

Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.

Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’

HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.

Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.

caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*

🍂🕷️🍂

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?

barbara was highly relatable