Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
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Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Look Ma, no handle on things
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.