Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.

Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

[commercial for soup]

NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?

I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

Casual: Rob a bank

Fancy: Robert a bank

If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.

Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽

I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand

when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans

[at hotel]

Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer

[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]

Me: Yep, nailed her

If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.

Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?

WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.

Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.

[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?

My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:

A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or

Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?

Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US

They used it to decorate their salad bar

I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.