Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?

ME: And this is my daughter.

HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?

ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?

The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.

[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]

‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave

*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*

Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!

Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?

Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha

Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*

My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine

GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards

Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy

My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.

NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.

David Attenborough, the confusing early years

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.