Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
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Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
I am crying
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me