Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
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My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
Happens to everyone.
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interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots