Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
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There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
brian had himself a morning…
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?