Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.

refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES

This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself

“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago

Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.

NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.

WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

the saddest jazz hands ever

These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.

Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.

I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.

I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me

Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue

My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?

What number SPF blocks people?

the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

Cop: license and registration please.

Me: (gives cop both)

Cop: you drinking tonight?

Me: no.

Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.

Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.

Parenting is fun.

A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.

Yeah….I don’t know either.

I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..