Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
You Might Also Like
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Impossible to find a better word than hyperbole.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong