Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
You Might Also Like
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
A decision was made here.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.