Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
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Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
These are my emotional support Pringles.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
#MeanwhileInCanada
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.