Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.

“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals

lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you

granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet

Google assistant rules

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”

“no, what’s it called?”

“the Nu variant”

“yeah what’s it called”

“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”

“haha wow, who named it that?”

“yes”

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.

When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.

I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.

Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.

– looking for shells on the north pole beach

what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep

I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure

I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows

After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.

manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”

The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick

HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?

Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up

DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again

Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?

Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?

I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.

– 11, missing the point of Lent

Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star

my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is

Scientists have proven that combination locks are a lot harder to open when you have to pee.