just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
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My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people