Just saw someone order a cup of water at this restaurant. Knocked it out of his hand. We’re in a drought, idiot.

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[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth


My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground


Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they’re stabbing it? No? How about now?


Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.

Children: Wait what?

Me: What?


“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*


“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff


In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.