[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Just saw someone order a cup of water at this restaurant. Knocked it out of his hand. We’re in a drought, idiot.
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Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they’re stabbing it? No? How about now?
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Seriously, Twitter. Do NOT import my contacts.
For the record, laughter does absolutely nothing to help diarrhea.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.