@KevinFarzad

Just saw someone order a cup of water at this restaurant. Knocked it out of his hand. We’re in a drought, idiot.

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@HeyoShellz

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth

@causticbob

My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground

@Aspersioncast

Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they’re stabbing it? No? How about now?

@pro_worrier_

Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.

Children: Wait what?

Me: What?

@DanMentos

“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff

@AnOrangeSNES

In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.