Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
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Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
okay run it by me one more time
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
good work, detective
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can