Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
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I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Me sliding into hell like
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Found the job I’m suited for
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.