Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
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Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others