Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.

I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

*runs into a burning building to save the fire*

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*

Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.

Me: *starts another book while I wait*

*two hours later*

Libby app: Your hold is ready.

What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

How to properly lift a body

FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it

FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok

Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?

Me: Well, we have a problem.

Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.

Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.

If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?

i’m having this made into a welcome mat

If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”

It means take a nap.

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.