Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: He’s your son!

Me: So you say! But I don’t…

*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*

Me: …ok fine he’s my son.

It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

“I got this”

-hypochondriac reading Web MD

My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words

If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.

Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣

Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

[World Cat Conference]

President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

“Santa isn’t real” ok, I literally just saw him at the mall

Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter

Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?

*blinks profusely at cashier*

Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.

who will stop them

It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.

Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”

Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?