Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect

Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!

Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline

You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.

Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to

me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

Me: have a good day make good choices!

My kid: no promises!

I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.

I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!

Girl: I love Medieval Art

Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now

Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?

It’s an epidemic…

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

Please don’t leave that cake alone with me

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk

“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.

Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?

me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*

therapist: ok what was that all about

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.

My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.

Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!

Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!