Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.

I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.

*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*

Zombies never bite hipsters.

They taste fine.

We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.

Dave’s coming over

“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”

[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING

Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”

It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.

Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?

Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.

⛽️ 🦫

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”

X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…

My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead

This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him