Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
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Penguins walking in 5x speed
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Hit me in the face with a bird
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Challenge accepted.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.
The days of good grammer has went
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
*pronounces patio like ratio
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
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