Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
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Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Pleading insanity in small claims court
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?