Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
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wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”